SO WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS…

Second annual girls weekend… Myself, my best friend, we shall call her Julio.. And our two other friends we will call… Wien and Myrle. (PS.. if they ever read this, they will know exactly who they are and they will kill me)

We take off pretty early from home to drive to the airport. Julio picks me up and we meet Wien and Myrle then start the 2 hour road trip to the airport. Nothing too exciting.. Drink mimosa’s in the car.. Go to the airport bar, almost miss boarding the plane.. Drink some beer on the plane.. Make friends.. Find out this couple used to live right by Wien.. Arrive in LV. Find our limo driver.. Hit up a store for beer and water.. And go over to the Flamingo, which we lovingly refer to as the “dirty bird”.

Julio and Wien go to check us in. They’ve decided to put $40 on the counter and say “I’m not screwing around, what’s the best you can do?” It works, I suppose. The front desk lady asks if we want an upgraded view or a really outdated suite. They went for the suite, because 4 girls bring a lot of shit to Vegas and spread out all over the damn place.

As they are checking in Myrle and I and just chilling.. This group of guys comes walking towards us.. I mutter “nice jorts…” shortly after Myrle says “I love your frosted tips..” Of course they beeline over to us. Youngins from Australia.. They ask where we got our roses from. We tell them the limo driver, then give them over to the kids.. I’m sure the recycled them on the next ladies they hit up. Hope it helped their game.

We roll up in our suite. This joint would have been sweet in like… 1997. Its seen better days. But whatever. We have 2 bathrooms and a fridge. We are cheap.. No complaints. We change for the evening then head down to the pool to reserve daybeds for Friday and Saturday. Then we walk forever in heels to eat.. Then cab it downtown.

Downtown.. wow.. Pretty sure we were going to be pickpocketed.. I felt the need to wear a fanny pack.. with a t shirt tucked over it. We walk around.. end up in Mermaids where they pay in nickels. Nothing like cashing out $25 in nickels… We are all exhausted. We pretty much have decided this night is a bust at 9:30. We walk back to hop in a cab.. And get handed drink coupons for Gold Diggers at the Golden Nugget.. My girls decide they want to check out the balcony and people watch.. So we head up..

We get in an elevator.. With a little person dressed like Mr. T. But his necklaces are all plastic beads. He informs us that the place will be full of midgets in about an hour. His friend is getting married and Lifetime is filming a reality show about it. Oh.. Well if you think I’m not going to hang around for this shit, you’re crazy. We order some drinks and my girls head over to the balcony. Heights and I are not

not friends. I chill at the bar while they hang their heads out over Fremont Street. Eventually they need a refill and join me back at the bar.

Two guys roll up next to us to order. We make small chit chat.. Nothing big.. These guys walk away.. And then one starts pulling some Magic Mike dance moves on the other one. That’s a party we can appreciate. Now these guys didn’t have much going for them.. Magic Mike was wearing jogging pants.. Julio ends up dancing with him.. To quote her.. “he’s white… I’m gonna let that one slide… He’s wearing jogging pants.. I’m gonna let that one slide too.. He’s hitting me in the leg with his big floppy while we dance.” Ah…. I can see why she let a lot of stuff slide.

Lifetime comes around with waivers for us to sign. I’m going to DVR the show. Might get to see my legs on tv. We make friends with several little people. These crazy ass girls in some gold mc hammer pants. Some older ladies from Canada. We like to make friends.

Myrle ends up on some dude with a suit coat from Cali. I end up with Magic Mikes friend and also throwing up a good liter of vodka in a trash can around 1:30. Don’t worry, Wien videotaped it, cause that’s what good friends do. We close that drive bar down. Go down stairs.. Get a round of waters because no one there needed anymore alcohol at this point. I have to talk Julio out of staying at the nugget. She would have regretted it. We are escorted to the cab lines by the fellas we picked up.

Back at the Dirty Bird, we fall out of the cab (we are pretty classy) and head towards our room. At some point in the hallway Julio decides to take her shirt off. She’s doing some serious belly grooves.. Grabbing dudes as the pass us by, this part is pretty blurry luckily Wien is once again videotaping once again.. We take some ibuprofen and vitamin b and crash the hell out.

Day one. Done.

We wake up Saturday and Wien and Myrle climb in bed with Julio and I, we pass around each other’s phones and look at what each of us documented. Watch my “graceful vom” video.. “Look at that! Hinged at the waist!” We have a text from the two guys at the bar. Magic Mike slept in the drunk tank… AKA in the bathtub with the shower running on him all night long. His friend sent us an awesome picture of it.

Julio has family that lives in Vegas, we agreed to meet up for breakfast prior to arriving.. We drag our hungover asses out of bed, put on some yoga capris, a t shirt, pull our hair into a mop bun, throw on some flip flops and sunglasses and walk over to Ellis Island. Along the way we take a picture of a homeless man? guy who partied to hard? I think he might have been wearing heels… asleep on the sidewalk.. Say a hail mary for our fallen homie Tupac on the corner where he was shot.. You know typical midwesterner sight seeing stuff.

Make it to Ellis Island and sit down for breakfast. Now, service in Vegas sucked this year. It was terrible. I was sitting at the table, the room was spinning, I was not in any position to make polite convo with my bestie’s family.. The fam is talking to us about this large cattle show in Vegas this weekend, it’s been all over the news. Eh.. okay. I need caffeine I’m dying at a shit hole off the strip. This is how I’m going out. Eventually I get the best omelet I have ever eaten. I will be honest, I fell in vacation love with Ellis Island’s omelet. I might talk about that omelet in my sleep. Sorry, sometimes you gotta let out your inner fat kid. Fam keeps chatting about this and that, I learned there’s two ways to get killed in Vegas. Pedestrians that step out in the street and riding your bike down Koval street.. We say good bye to Fam, agree to meet up with her again on Sunday, then WALK DOWN KOVAL STREET (luckily we didn’t get shot or shanked), the homeless drunk guy had moved which is good cause if he had been dead and I was taking pictures of him, well, that’s just bad karma. Stop at a Starbucks because I still have one foot in deaths door and one foot out. Julio buys me some sort of vanilla something or other latte and I begin to feel 1/4 human again.

 

We go up to our room change in to swimsuits and head down to the pool. Once again service sucked, waitress didn’t come over once. So we’d truck from our day bed to the bar. Not a huge deal, I actually enjoyed the bartender. We start chatting up some people. These two older ladies asked me if Julio was my friend, I guess she had a bucket of beer and climbed in the pool saying “Excuse me, I’m on vacation, don’t judge me.” and they fell in vacation love with her. A group of 50 something guys out there for a birthday, one with a sweet handle bar mustache. A group of super young guys, which I felt bad for, all the girls in their 20s were snobby shits. Towards the end of the day I get out of the pool and Julio has this guy lounging on our daybed. He’s wearing a button down shirt and Sperrys. Myrle is chatting up 3 other dudes. I get into our bag throw on a cover up and try to figure out what’s going on. Sperry’s lil brother is getting married. Sperry’s tells me “you probably hear this all the time.. but you have beautiful eyes”. Not really, but whatever. Not 5 minutes later the groom busts out the exact same line. Within 15 minutes another guy at their bachelor party spouts it off to me again. Poor communication between who has rights to the eyes line? Or do I really have diamond eyes?

Sperry’s starts telling us a story it wants a little something like this. “So I haven’t been able to get laid all week. I’m alone in the hotel room, and I decide to take care of it myself. So I’m standing there.. I’ve got my dick in my hand, I’m in a good place mentally, and the maid walks in. She just stares at me for what feels like an eternity then says I’m scared and leaves” I.am.dying. His brother the groom walks over and tells me my lips are so shiny he just wants to put his penis in them. Once again I am laughing so hard I think I might bleed internally. Sperrys says I just want to give you a massage, in the shower. These lines are WAY better than beautiful eyes. Points for creativity. Sperry informs us that they have weed. Julio and Wien invite them to our room to smoke, and we part ways.

I’m not a weed smoker so I hop into the shower. When I get out all hell has broken loose. Sperry’s came to our room alone to make sure we were actually in that room before they all came over. He left his phone on the charger, asked if he could borrow one of ours to text and tell them we were legit. Somehow as he was going to text the phone rang or something.. and he ended up answering it.. And it was Myrle’s husband. Of course hubby is pissed. Myrle is walking around frantic packing her shit up and saying that she’s going to fly home. The rest of us are like.. just talk to him.. I mean yeah it’s a shit situation and I’d be pissed if it were reversed but you didn’t do anything wrong. Julio takes Sperry out into the hallway, makes out with him, and tells him its best he leaves. Myrle is crying, depressed and swearing that she’s getting a divorce. She doesn’t want to go to dinner. Wien, Julio and I make our way out (this has been awhile, we don’t leave our emotionally wrecked friend right away)

We walk our way over to dinner along the way Wien is talking to us and not looking where she’s going.. Wien is 5 foot tall on a good day so when she power walks right into a fire hydrant in front of margaritaville it basically cuts her in half. Julio and I are trying not to laugh, Wien yells “who the fuck puts a fire hydrant in the middle of a side walk?!” Julio replies… “the fire department?” Maybe this isn’t funny to all you reading this, but it was hilarious.

After we eat we head back to our room.  As we are walking back from dinner in the hallway this guy yells at us “HEY IOWA!!” We all stop then realize that I have an Iowa Hawkeyes shirt on.. BUT then the guy follows it up with “YOU GONNA TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF AGAIN TONIGHT?!?” Uh.. We do not remember talking to these guys. at. all. So we stop and have a chat. I guess around 6 am they tried calling our room to see if we wanted to party with them. I didn’t even hear it ring. If we are walking down the hallway stripping at 3:30 in the morning, chances are we are not going to be with the program and still drinking at 6 am. Once we get back into our room  Myrle is up and her dress on and I think there goes the evening.  Julio and I rally around her Julio fixes her hair and I paint her face with some makeup. And we head over to Aria. As I pointed out earlier, we are cheap. Wien played myvegas and got free bottle service at Gold Lounge. So we get seated at Gold, we have a $500 credit so Julio orders Cîroc because it’s the most expensive bottle and we aren’t going to drink more than one. Now the waitress here was awesome! Best we had all weekend. I had agreed to meet up with a guy for this forum, so I located him and walked over to say hi. Julio and I proceed to start drinking. Wien swears she drank “a good four drinks off that bottle” Myrle had none.. Which means Julio and I split a bottle of vodka. We aren’t huge girls this was not the best decision we have ever made, and we’ve been doing stupid drunk shit together for over a decade. Julio grabs some lawyers ass, informs me that tonight she’s a tax auditor for the IRS.. Which hey you can be whatever you want to be, but it’s the biggest tax weekend of the year and I doubt you’d be chugging vodka in Vegas if that was really your job.. I said okay.. I’m a zoo keeper. Myrle continues to sit and not party. I go back in forth from the dude from on here to our table to whoever Julio is chatting up. Myrle and Wien leave when the bottle is empty to see their friend that works for Caesars. She’s pretty high up and deals with all the tv shows and movies  that goes through Caesars. She about shits herself laughing when she hears we spent our evening at Gold Diggers. I’m so drunk things are kind of in and out, I really didn’t even know the bottle went dry. Julio and I go over to the forum guys table. I end up making out with him.. I end up in a cab with him… I end up spending what I guess we should call morning with him at the Cosmo.

Things I learned from this experience… Vodka is my frienemy. Cosmo’s beds are way more comfortable than the Dirty Birds. And getting up and putting on that effing dress and shoes from the night before is terrible..

I wake up from my cat nap at Cosmo. My girls are blowing up my phone and I need to cut out before I become that girl that hangs around past her welcome. I’m informed that I don’t need to leave and I could stay all day.. Is that something nice you say when you really mean get the eff out!? He tells me that they have a table at Hyde, just text him and let him know if I’m coming and tell the guy at the door his name. I say thanks I’ll think about it, gather up last night’s attire and make the dreaded walk down to the taxi line.. I get in the elevator praying for an express ride to the first floor. No dice. A middle aged man dressed like a golfer gets on with me.. Smiles and says hi. I was thinking at the time he knows exactly what’s up.. Now I’m wondering if he thought I was a call girl. Things you think about… revelations.. I hightail it off the elevator and decide to keep my eyes on the carpet only glancing up for directional signs, since the only time I have ever been in Cosmo was last night and I don’t remember it at all. I make it to the cab line and realize this is probably the longest walk of shame ever. I text my friends something to that effect then beg for an Ellis Island omelet. I’m voted down.

I make it to the flamingo, knock on our door and climb in bed with my girls to rehash the night before again. We get up and get dressed in our yoga’s again and head to a champagne brunch.

After brunch we head to the pool again. Julio decides she just doesn’t want to go again. Last night was too much alcohol. Myrle, Wien and I head down. Myrle and Wien start drinking immediately cause they basically took last night off. I lay tits to the ground on the day bed and take a nap. After a while the waitress wakes me up to ask if I want a drink, I wake up to a huge pile of drool coming out of my mouth. I guess I didn’t sleep much the night/morning before. I say sure and start drinking with the other two.

My drink comes and I climb into the pool next to Myrle and Wien. Myrle seems to be back to her fun loving self and I’m thrilled to have her back. We meet some guys from Chicago, one of which was so deep in the closet he was finding Christmas presents. Some girls from Colorado. See the 50 yr. olds from the day before and the ladies we meet yesterday also.

Two guys show up in costume. You know that car commercial with the hamsters in the jumpsuits? Yeah… two guys in hamster costumes with jumpsuits over them in like 90 degree weather.. And they don’t take them off they just get right into the pool with the whole get up on. wtf. They eventually get hot take the head piece off, and random people are sticking their heads in it and taking pictures. We take a picture of a girl who tattooed her own face onto her shoulder, because why wouldn’t you want a self-portrait on your skin?

Myrle and I get out of the pool and she checks her phone, I guess she’s been in contact with the suit jacket guy from Thursday. No texts on the phone. She says “Why won’t he text me back? Sometimes you just want the dick!” Two guys are laying out on the cement and this grabs their attention. We start chatting them up. Ones from Ireland and ones from the UK. We tell them to get off the cement and join us on the day bed. Julio makes it down and orders a cheese burger, she’s still not drinking. Ireland and UK seemed like cool guys. I asked Ireland if he got a lot of play with the accents.. He proceeds to tell me that he and UK had gone to a strip club, a stripper left with them and they double teamed her. REALLY? I mean good for you two but maybe you want to keep that one under wraps? maybe not, maybe I’d brag about it too if I was him. UK informs us he has a tattoo of a stick figure golfing on his ass, then stands up and drops the back part of his trunks to show us. Myrle has become distracted by UK’s amazing golfer ass and chats up Julio about hooking up with him… She makes some comment about not having a condom and UK says “I can hear you, and I have one”.

I get up and go sit on the edge of the pool with Wien.. Its comfortable silence for a few, then she says “I don’t know about you, but I’m looking at dicks in swim trunks.” I wasn’t, but I’m pretty good at that game. UK and Ireland walk over and say they have to leave if they are going to catch their flights, thankfully Myrle doesn’t hook up with the double team stripper penis

This short blonde dude that was hanging with the 50 yr. olds decides that he and I are now going to have a meaningful pool relationship, wraps his legs around my torso and pulls me into his crotch region. Now.. I’m pretty easy going. I was only a bitch to 3 guys this trip. He was one of them, and I really tried to be nice to him, but he just wouldn’t stop touching me. Might have been too much liquid courage? Julio gives me a speech about being a bitch to him and how she didn’t think it was necessary. I feel bad and lighten up which backfires, he tells me the only reason he’s coming on so strong is all his friends told him I want him.. You friends are lying to your drunk ass and laughing in the corner. I removed myself from his immediate area. After about 10 minutes I see him making out with a girl in braided pigtails. I’m totally in the clear, right? Wrong. She leaves and he comes over and plops his ass down on the daybed next to me. I have on sunglasses and pretend to be asleep. After 5 minutes or so he gets bored and leaves. It’s about time to leave, Chicago asks for my number because he wants to hang out later, I give it him, he never uses it, such is life.

We get cleaned up and go eat dinner, then another freebie from myvegas Zarkana. Worst cirque show I have ever seen. Absolutely terrible. I asked Julio if we could leave, she said no..  We all took a nap in that ice cold theater.

As we are leaving Myrle checks her phone and has a text from suit coat. He’s at XS and wants her to come. Julio and Wien say that the last thing they want to do is go to a club. I’m not tired and I’m not going to let Myrle go from Aria to the Wynn and into a club alone. We split up.

 

Myrle and I wonder around the Wynn and finally find XS, there is a huge line, Guetta is there, which I guess is a huge deal. The bartenders had his name on their little apron things. We are from Iowa, we give zero fucks about djs. Myrle looks at the line and says oh hell no. Walks up to a guy with a suit and an earpiece and says how much for us to skip this line? He says $20, she hands it over and we walk right up to the desk past the never ending line of people. It’s another $30 each to get in which Myrle pays.

 

Then we play tag with the suit jacket. This place is slammed packed, even people with tables looked crowded. We are holding hands and weaving in and out of the crowds. We get stuck by this big guy, not fat just like tall and wide.. He says “stick your tits out a little more.” I look at him and say excuse me? He says “nothing…” couple seconds later he says “wipe the cum off your lips” uh… so here’s one of the other 3 guys I was a bitch too. Myrle starts moving again, thank god, so I basically give him a death stare and flip him off. Which I’m sure taught him a stiff lesson on how to treat women.

 

We finally locate suit coat and his friends. I ask about getting a drink, they tell me good luck and point me towards the bar. I drank vodka at the pool all day, I don’t know if I’m detoxing or what but the alcohol shakes set in. All I want is water. I wait for 45 minutes at the bar, pay $16 for two little bottle of Fiji, I would have paid $100 at this point it was that bad. Walk back over to Myrle she says they are ready to leave. Back through the maze of people.. XS is pretty, but is this what it’s like all the time?

 

I send Myrle in a cab with suit coat, promise her I will let her into our room and I won’t go to the airport without her. I check my phone once I’m in my cab. There’s texts from another JC guy. He’s at Tryst, table, come on over. I tell him I can’t. Two of my girls are checked out, the other is in route to a different hotel. I’m solo. Looking back I probably should have gone to Tryst or Hyde and not wasted my last night in town. But going solo after that shit show at XS just wasn’t all that appealing to me. I go to our room, inform the other two that I delivered Myrle to suit coat and we all crash.

There’s still a day left…

Last day… here we go..
Myrle comes knocking around 5 am I think. I let her in and crawl back into be with my vacation wife Julio. We all wake up a few hours later and decide we should probably get packing up. Myrle tells us about the rest of her night and spends the morning sending suit coat texts.. She realizes that forum guy also wore a suit coat.. And we have now coined the phrase… “You got jacketed”. 

I check my phone, there’s a message from forum saying he kept hoping I’d show up at Hyde. The year before I got caught up in a vacation boyfriend sort of scenerio. Which was fun, but not something I was interested in repeating. And theres several messages from the Tryst guy from on here. I feel kinda bad, so I shoot him a quick text, Sorry its been a long weekend of drinking. I crashed out. He basically says no worries do I want to meet him downstairs and grab a coffee. I agree and Julio and I head down and order a coffee. We chat a little bit, he walks through the gift shop with us, we get on the elevator, tell him I’m sorry we didn’t get to hang out but it was nice meeting him.. Julio states after he leaves “I wouldda hung out with that guy. He seems like a legit person.” Well… we could have but, you went to bed. We finish packing and check our bags at the bell desk.

We walk over to Hash House, Julio get a BLT bloody mary, which is basically a sandwhich in a cup. I wish I had administrative rights to post pictures, I’d share a pic of it amoung others. We decide we haven’t gambled nearly enough on this trip and we disperse around the Quad. I sit at the bar, order a pepsi and begin to donate my money to video poker. The bartender has been on all night and comes over and shows me some bottle flipping tricks. My friends gather me up and we walk through the Linq. Check out Kitson and the Sprinkles ATM. Then do an impromptu sober 11am dance session to a song that we feel hasn’t gotten much play this weekend. We go into the Flamingo and play rapid roulette. I see the closeted guy from Chicago, have a quick nice to see you again, have fun the rest of your vacay, we out!” talk.

We get our bags from the bell desk and Fam picks us up. We decide to eat at In and Out, because we don’t have them around where we live. Wien has like…6? cups of ketchup on her tray. Fam says completely dead pan “If you were homeless I’d think you were making tomato soup.” I am cracking up.. Fam then tells me its a real problem and that they have to keep ketchup packets locked up. We get in the car to head to Town Square mall.. its realitively quiet in the car until Fam speaks up and says “Well. The ranchers from Mosquite won.” What?? Oh yeah the cattle show thing.. Thanks for the update Fam. You saved me some googling once I got home. We do some shopping Fam tells me about her daughters ex boyfriends who’s a stripper for chippendales, he posted ALL these pictures on facebook of him stripping.. anyway, they broke up but we still meet for brunch. Usually he’s so high he can barely function.” I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this or not, but I love Fam. She’s completely random. 

Fam takes us to the airport.. We give out hugs and I tell her I will see her again next year. Myrle has at some point fallen back into a funk while we were shopping. Her hubby did some digging on the computer and is unhappy. She says she will never be back to Vegas with us. Julio says she needs a year off.. Her reasoning “Suzie, everytime we come here we end up leaving morally bankrupt.” Which is sorta the point? Wien says she’s game to go again, give Julio a week and she’ll be back on board.

We get home and Myrle’s hubby goes through her phone. Calls the guy from Thursday night. So Golden Nugget guy calls me a few days later to make sure everything is okay. He gives me shit about never texting him back all weekend. We’ve kept in touch and I’ve even given him some girl advice. Myrle is off the radar, I’m not sure what’s happening with her marriage. Julio, Wien and I just ate dinner together, decided that girls weekend ’15 we are switching to Mandalay. 

So maybe in 12 months you can get another report of all the poor decisions I make on vacation. Until then when I call Julio I sometimes open with the lines…. “I’ve got my dick in my hand.” Or “Well, the ranchers from Mosquite won.”